Doctor Daisy
gags ( N.B.C 6/1/05)
I don’t know if I’ve ever told you about my
Doctor …
Dr.
Daisy .. she is very good … I saw her other day
I said “ Be honest … How do I stand?”
She said “ That puzzles me too…”
…………………………….
Uncle Charlie used to visit her …
Once she told him acute appendicitis
He said “ Thank you Doc.”
Another time he staggered in to see her &
said
“ I’ve got asbestos poisoning, measles ,
broken arm & knife wound”
She said “ Lot of it going around.”
He finally died of asbestos poisoning …
Took 6 months to cremate him.
………………….
Aunty Rose
used to be ballerina in younger days
(When courtin’
she used to tell everyone
Charlie
was a composer. …’cos he was always makin’
overtures)
She only had one leg …
So they called her costume a one-one
( That’s a good one … think about it ! )
…………………………
Aunt.
Rose to Dr. D. - “what’s matter with me
?
every time I look in mirror each morning I want
to throw up.”
Dr. D. “Well… your eyesight is perfect.”
Eventually … Aunty R was told
“ You’ve
got cancer & Alzheimers”
She
said, “At least I haven’t got cancer”
( Think about it !)
…………………
I was there in waiting room .. could hear Dr. D
& patients
Patient :- “ I’ve swallowed bottle sleeping
pills”
Dr. D. “Go home & have a rest.”
…………………..
Lady says “ I have a pimple on left cheek ,
tree
growing out of it .. & table &
chairs , & a picnic basket ..
Dr. D. “
It’s only a beauty spot”
………………………………….
Patient :- “Dreamed last night I was a wigwam ;
night
before I dreamed I was a tepee”
Dr D. “
You are too tense”
………………………
One patient had cucumber in left ear , sausage
in right ear
And a
banana up his nose .
Dr. D. “ You are not eating right.”
( She is so perceptive …)
…………………………
“ I’m shrinking”
“ You’ll have to be a little patient.”
( That’s a good one … I like it anyway )
……………………….
Doc.D. to patient :- “I have Bad news & very bad news.
The bad
news is … you’ve only 24 hours to live.
The very bad news… I’ve been trying to get in
touch with you
since yesterday.
…………………………………………
But she’s improving all the time … she practices
on me.
When she comes to N.B.C one of these days
you’ll be able to tell her that her fame
precedes her.
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Uke in Tennis Raquet case … ( NBC 6/1/05)
I’m sorry to disappoint you …
expecting
a few hints on how to play tennis …
Instead …going to play my ukulele for you …
…………………….
Just learned new song about fleas …
Reminds me
( Bring me match-box)
OSCAR .. The Amazing Performing Flea.
…
trained at the Hungarian
Jehovah’s
Witnesses’ Flea Circus
Oscar !!!
Big jump.
Somersault
Now … never before attempted in public
Oscar will attempt the death-defying double
somersault
……
That’s not Oscar !
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Going to sing song about fleas.
Last time I sang this ..my voice filled the hall…
I could tell because a number of people
left to
make room for it.
Must apologise…
I
learned singing by correspondence .
Unfortunately some of lessons lost in post.
As a result … instead of being a tenor
Only a 6 &
three quarters.
But I once sang for King of Siam…
He said “ If you’re a singer , I’m the King of
Siam.”
Now … a
song about fleas.
( Dedicated to my long-lost friend , OSCAR )
Some people think that fleas are black
But I know
that’s not so …
‘Cos Mary had a little lamb
who’s fleas were white as snow.
……………………………………
Come from musical family
Uncle Charlie …
He used to say that his singing teacher said
he had
‘heavenly’ voice …
Actually what she said was that it was
‘unearthly’.
Did I tell you … he swallowed his mouth organ
once
Went to Doc. … Daisy .
Doc. said “ You’re lucky weren’t playing
trombone.”
Did practice trombone for just a little while …
Let it slide ..
didn’t
like swallowing all that brass tube
&
bringing it up again.
Wrote a song …
“Show me where the squirrels live and I’ll show
you a nutcracker suite”
Originally by Tchaikovsky
…
but he’s
not composing any more ..
he’s
decomposing
……………………….
Uncle Charlie
wrote a song about his wife ,
Rose,
She was a
singer too.
But Uncle
Charlie said that he wished
she would
only sing Xmas carols
( I asked him
why ?)
“‘cos then she’d only sing once a year .”
Did you
know he always used to go out
on the front porch when she was singing
( I asked him why )
’Cos I wanted the neighbours to see me
they’d know I wasn’t beating her.
His love song … wrote for Aunty Rose
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a big wart on her nose
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
Unc. Charlie was choir master at Baptist church
Reminds me of riddle
Difference between Baptist Church Choir master
& PLO
( You can negotiate with the PLO )
( The book I got it out of said ‘church organist’
…
but I thought ‘ choir master’ sounded safer.
Not funnier ,… but safer. )
Reminds me of song .
There was a young lad in the choir
Whose voice …it rose higher & higher
Till one Sunday night
It rose out of sight
And they found it next day on the spire.
A young choir singer named Hannah
Was caught in a flood in Montanna
As she floated away
Her sister – they say –
Accompanied her on the pianner !
Thank-you music lovers … & Bruce !
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PICK
A BOX
CHOICE OF SUBJECTS
( Name ? Married ? Work ? How long in Aust. ?)
( A) Paleontology , Fashions in Medieval Austria, Chicken Farming in S.E. Asia or Jewish Geography.
(1) River ?
Mississippi , Jordan , Yarra ?
(2) Three Seas
….. Galilee, Dead, Mediterranean ,,,
spell Mediterranean.
(3) Three Provinces …name middle one … Samaria, Hong Kong Afghanistan ?
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(B) Glossalalia , Archaeological finds in Ancient China during the Ming Dynasty , Scientific Advancement in the Belgian Congo since 1964 …or Biblical Exegesis ?
(1) Who wrote the Gospel of Luke ? Fred,Luke or Shakespeare ?
(2) By whom was Lord Jesus baptized … Jim the Methodist , Charlie the Presbyterian or John the Baptist ?
(3) Who was king in Judea when Jesus was born …
…..Ferdinand 3rd, Herod the Great , Attila the Hun ?
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
(c) ( Work ? Children ? Married ? Read any books ( Monster with 3 heads )
Pschyo –Cybernetics , Trancendental Meditation , Masonic
Passwords , Photo synthesis or David.
(1) Who slew Goliath with his slingshot … David , Popeye the Sailor-man or Tarzan ?
(2) ( Your subject is David …)
Who married Bathsheba ? Martin Luther … David ..or Moby Dick ?
(3) Who sailed up the Irriwaddy River with his friend Jonathan ?
Sherlock Holmes , Adoniram Judson , David ?
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HANDSHAKES !
ü Bro. Of St.
Lawrence.
ü Dairy Board.
ü Heart Foundation.
ü Ajax Pump Co.
ü Timber cutters
Assoc.
ü Assemb. Of God.
ü Limbless
soldiers.
ü Leprosy Mission.
ü Garbage
Collectors
ü Blind Institute.
ü Artist’s assoc.
ü Fishmonger’s
guild.
ü Automatic car-drivers
( no clutch !)
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Pente Jokes.
Pavlova ( Demon
calories !)
Giovanni
Petroccelli ;The pianist !
Pente. Dog
trainer ..
3 chairs for
Pente’s .
Stolen bike (I
can walk )
Make one hand
like other.
Impersonate ( low
ceiling fans )
Pressy to
Pente. ( only raised eyebrows.)
………………………
Doctor Jokes.
Swallowed:-
Pair of curtains…
Clock ( don’t
alarm anybody)
Spoon.
Roll of film.
Billiard ball.
Frog.
$1 ( see if any
change )
got Insomnia (
sleep on it )
………………..
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I’ve been asked to introduce the speaker … because nobody else wanted to do it.
It is very difficult to introduce him … when you know him as well as I do.
I read somewhere that
in introducing a speaker one should always be as dry and boring as possible so
that will , by comparison, make the speaker sound really interesting. …. I’m sorry …I doubt if I can do that .
This is Bryan
Greenwood .
He was born …
due to circumstances beyond his control , at quite an early age. Way , way ,
waaay back in 1932. I mention that
date because by looking at him I didn’t want you to jump to the conclusion
that he is 95.
He studied at
Wagga Teacher’s College … ( or did they study him …? I forget .)
He married
Norma in 19XX …… … & BOY ! she
is a great kisser. But … Bryan
still thinks that when I call in for a visit it is to share quality time
with him…
In
the mid-1950’s he joined O -.A -.C. Which does not stand for Old Age
Crocks … but Open Air Campaigners. And
for about 25 years he held meetings in the open air , Schools , homes , wharves
, parks, churches …bathrooms and dog-kennels.
When
I interviewed him for New Life in 1981 he was about to commence a series of
meetings at Monash Uni. With a certain
off-sider named Peter Costello. ( Just a bit of name-dropping there because
it’s very difficult to find something positive to say.)
In the mid
1980’s he took on responsibilities as
Australian Director of Walk
Thru’ the Bible Ministries.
He ( and his
lovely wife , Norma , who is a great kisser,)
led numerous tours to Israel … my wife and I went along with them in 1988 … and I’m pleased to say he only
three times did he lose us . ( And that
was when he was giving some of his
sermons.)
After
WTB he worked with Campus Crusade and the distribution of the Jesus video.
And all the
time he has been … ( and still is, for
that matter , in spite of his advancing
age and geriatric condition, ) in
constant demand as speaker at camps and
churches both in Victoria. I think they keep inviting him back because he ran
out of time half way through his sermon.
He is the only
preacher I know who is able to condense one sentence into three paragraphs. I might add that he has also exercised an extensive ministry Interstate ! Unfortunately they
keep sending him back to us.
I must say,
too, that he is quite a comedian. He
often has me holding my sides with laughter … especially when he is explaining
his home-made interpretation of Bible Prophecy.
Brian and his wife , Norma, ( who is a great kisser )
are members at Mitcham Baptist Church.
I count it a privilege to have had him as a friend … until 5 minutes
ago.
So Fasten your seat belts, adjust your pillows and set your alarm
clocks …here is
Australia’s
answer to Oral Roberts …. Bryan Greenwood.
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The bird-watcher’s hymn HIS
EYE IS ON THE SPARROW
The suspicious wife's hymn TELL ME THE OLD, OLD STORY
Israeli-Arab warriors hymn ON JORDAN'S STORMY BANKS
The liberal theologian's hymn WHEN WE ALL GET TO HEAVEN
The sailor's hymn MY ANCHOR HOLDS
The dressmaker's hymn THE HEM OF HIS GARMENT
The sun-bather's hymn
HEAVENLY SUNSHINE
The farmer's hymn THERE SHALL BE SHOWERS OF BLESSING
The miser’s hymn .. LAND M’ SAFE ON HEAVEN’S SHORE !
The egotist's hymn IS MY
NAME WRITTEN THERE
The Laundry-user's hymn WHITER THAN SNOW
The Elephant Hunter's hymn IVORY PALACES
The geologist's hymn ROCK OF AGES
The World Traveler's hymn
ANYWHERE WITH JESUS
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--Author unknown
The Bricklayer Saga …
I have written a
letter … with some difficulty … to my
employer … due to the fact I have suffered a very serious accident whilst
working as a brick-layer for the Civil
Engineering Department of Qualified
Contractors. You didn’t know I was one
of them did you ?
I must read it to you to see if you consider
it an acceptable request for compensation.
This is a very tragic matter …very tragic indeed … So I would like you to check my grammar …
not my grandma … my grammar ….and my logic and my spelling … but you would have
to look over my shoulder to do that … and I would like you to humbly correct
any mistakes I may have made … which heretofore I have never been known to do.
……………………………
Respected Sir
When I got to the
top of the building I found that a hurricane had knocked some bricks off the
top.
So I rigged up a
beam with a pulley at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of
barrels full of bricks.
When I had
repaired the top of the building there
were a number of bricks left over.
So I went down to the bottom of the
building and hoisted the barrel up
again to the top of the building … having secured the rope at the bottom of the
building .
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I then proceeded to go up to the top of the
building and fill the barrel with all the bricks that were left over. Then I went to the bottom of the
building and untied the rope……
Unfortunately ….
The barrel of bricks was heavier than I was …… and before I knew what was
happening …
The barrel
started down …jerking me off the ground.
I decided to hang on …. And half-way up I met
the barrel coming down……and I received a severe blow … on my shoulder…..
I continued to
the top…… bangin’ my head against the beam
… and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley…..
When the barrel
hit the ground it burst open it’s bottom
…. Allowing all the bricks ….. to spill out.
I was now heavier
than the barrel …. And so I started
down again … at high speed.
Half-way down … I
met the barrel coming up….. and I received … severe injury …. To my shins.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
When I hit the
ground …I landed on the bricks …getting several painful injuries … from their
sharp edges.
At this point I
must have lost my presence of mind…. Because …I let go the rope …
The barrel …..
the barrel … the barrel then came down
… giving me another heavy blow … and putting me in hospital.
I respectfully
request sick leave.
……………………………………………………………………………………
The following is adapted from a poem I
heard on the T.V. ( Benny Hill !! not Hinn ) )
…I’ve altered it quite a bit and
plan to dress up like a Cockney farmhand and do it at a social evening one of
these days …
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‘Twas market
day in the village
& the
crowds ‘round the stalls was quite dense,
but what caught
my eye.. ..was a stall piled ‘igh
with musical
instruments.
Then up to that stall came a little old man
…. ‘is clothes
was all tattered & thin,
but his face
came alight ..as ‘is eyeballs caught sight
of a beautiful
old violin.
He ‘eld it up
to the dealer,
sayin’, “ ’ow
much is this one then ?”
The dealer
replied, “That’s a Stradivarius,
…. It’ll cost ya Four pound ten !”
“I can’t afford
that,” said the little old man,
and a lump came
into my throat;
For him I felt
sad … so I gave him what I had -
my only Ten
shilling note.
A crowd had all
gathered behind us
so I quickly
went round with ‘is ‘at.
When I finished
I found I’d collected Five Pound
so I took my
Ten shilling note back.
Well , we gave
to the dealer the money
and this old
man, … so shabbily dressed,
picked up the
violin, … put it under his chin …
and he played like a man possessed !
He played
Fu-gues & cantatas,
and
Ora-ta-torios too.
by composers
like Johann , Sebastian, Bach,
to mention
just a few.
He played
waltzes by Strauss and Die Flaudermaus
and ‘Tales from
the Vienna Wood’,
and Tchaikovsky’s ‘Piano Concerto’ ….
but he didn’t
play that very good …
The crowd were
all hushed as the little old man
said “I’ll now
play with dexterity
a well known
tune .. that may make you all swoon -
‘The Flight of
the Bumble Bee’.”
Well! We’d never ‘eard anything like it
as he played
whatever he’d said ,
but when the
crowd clapped
something in
‘is ‘eart snapped …
and down he
fell … at our feet … dead.
So we gave back
the fealer his diddle
( Er … the
dealer his fiddle,)
We took back
our money , but then
“ No ! no!”
cried the crowd, in unison loud,
“we’ll bury him
, with that vi’lin !”
So ‘twas then
on that cold Tuesd’y mornin’
we laid the old
man to his rest,
and we took
that old fiddle …
… laid it down
on his middle,
and we went
away feeling depressed.
But the angels
all welcomed the little old man
when he stepped
into Heaven that day;
…’till he took
up the bow …o’er the strings it did go
and those
angels all howled with dismay.
They put their
wings over their ears
as “Flight of
the Bumble Bee” droned,
Three .. were sure they’d been stung !
six became quite unstrung -
and the other
ten thousand all groaned.
The Stradivarius they then took from him
and gave ‘im a
‘arp instead;
He took one
look at it .. and then ‘is head scratched it
saying, “By Gumm, I think I must be dead.”
So if you pass
by yonder graveyard
on a cold
wintry night you may see
a little old
man … with a harp in his hand…
playin’ ‘Flight of the Bumble Bee’.
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